i feel a mixture of anger,fear,shame and humiliation. I feel like the lowest common denominator,
Throughout secondary school i was bullied (verbally, psychologically), i stuck it out till and even into sixth form, but in the end i just collapsed and left, i now just live in my own little bubble (my home), i hate it i fear leaving home for bumping into ex peers (im surrounded by them) they have a hold over me.
My future prospects look poor as of now, i feel like im waisting my youth
Since childhood ive always been a loner, the computer is my only friend, its sad i know, i feel like im waisting my life and there is nothing i can do, physically i look in my mid 20s (because of excess computer use, late nights and just the loss of will power. my eye lids are drooping, my face is losing muscle tone, its depressing, i dont smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs, yet inadvertently ive aged myself about 10 years.
Its sad been on the outside looking in, watching others moving on and developing their lives.
It feels like im under pressure to keep up, im been left behind (about 5 years), i feel like awful.
My communication/social skills are weak, i cannot even go to town and walk round feeling comfortable,
i feel like a boy, emotionally, socially, i really am that backward (i have no common sense)
i feel like a big dumb kid. i cannot even face my family because i feel ashamed of what ive become.
Ive tried going to a gym, but i look in the mirror and wonder whats the point,
My hair is receding (high forehead) my hair is thinning on top, my nose is large, my teeth are small, i have a creepy smile, my face is losing muscle, apart from my blue eyes, i just hate myself
Im waisting my face (computer strain) and lack of regular sunlight, also my dad is a smoker (i cringe)
up until 12 months a go he used to smoke regularly in the living room
hate my arms (skinny, no muscle, no strength), i sometimes get the feeling im gay,
Indirectly im causing profound health problems for myself, at one time (11-14) i used to travel around my home county on buses, since then ive been socially housebound (even during the summer months)
i have no friends, i have no life, everything is deteriorating fast.
My whole life is dominated by fear and stupidity
I think with emotion rather than logic, im from an inner city area, therefore my background, makes it hard to be comfortable with who i maybe,
I may be bi sexual, i just dont know, im like a child, in the mind
everything declined when my mum died ( i was 9), My dad is 58, its difficult,
im caught between, man and boy, i look like man, yet i have the body (and mind ) of a boy.
I think im bi sexual, i find it hard to accept this, its probably a big part as to why i find it hard to go out.
Its like an internal battle (which im losing), i need to leave home, but my circumstances cannot allow me to.
Apart from sociology, my other gcse grades were not good,
I applied for colleague, my teacher at school said i could do well with correct support and supervision
i dont know if i want try again on an academic route or a practical route.
my mind works slow and stationary, its hard, through circumstances i have not developed in years(socially, emotionally, academically and mentally. Its like im 10 years behind people of my own age.
I cannot think myself, i find it hard to do productive rather than recreational activities, without support and guidance i cannot do anything that will benefit me.
Suggestion:
You do not have to ruin your life. It is up to you to do something about it. You should talk to your dad, if you can. Let him know what's going on with you and get therapy. This may be more than Aspergers and can be treated with the proper medication. You are young and need to get on top of this as soon as possible so you can enjoy your life. Hopefully, your dad will stand by you and walk through this with you. If not, you need to do whatever it takes to get treated. It is your life. Your right, without support and guidance you will not do anything beneficial. But, you have to take the stand and be responsible enough to get help. National Association for Mental Illness (NAMI) is an organization you may want to check into. Pray that God will give you the strength you need to get through this and do what you need to do.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
heyy der..
first of all do not worry..u knw u r actualy nt like dis which ur telling..ppl hve made u…dey hve pressurized u..d main thing u shd nw hve is confidence…which is a very important aspect u shd hve..i knw its nt so easy….but trust urself….nn try 2 go out…nt for fun but for jst shopping….wat r ur intrests..if ur intrestd in gud novels…buy dem….buy sumthin..shop for urself…dont make urself like tht..have determination…
hope i helpd u
and not all ppl r bad[remember]
You need to therapy- really it will help.
Join groups, fight the fear and get out. Walk in the park- you need the vitamin D and exercise.
I dont know if this will help but put up a blue force field mentally around you to protect you.
What was your life like before you were diagnosed with aspergers syndrome? I don't know what that means but I can tell you this. DON'T ALLOW A DOCTOR'S DIAGNOSES LESSON THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE! No matter how sick you may be, no matter how weak, or how difficult it maybe to make friends you owe it to yourself to to your best to have a happy life.
Think about other people in history who had great disabilities who went on to do great things. Search on google. I put two links I found below. Also look up Lance Armstrong and his life's struggles
You've allowed yourself to deteriorate because of insecurity and a lack of self esteem brought on by the bullying and exacerbated by your disease. As you've seen, feeling sorry for yourself gets you no where. You have to make the decision to either change your circumstances now, or live like you are until you waste away to nothing. You can still turn yourself around. No one is stopping you, except you. Think about it.
Sounds like you have it pretty rough. Have you been diagnosed with depression also?
You may think excess use of the computer is a negative thing, but in fact, it can produce quite good skills, i.e. typing skills, advanced knowledge of the web, well it depends really on what you do on the computer.
The reason why I asked if you have been diagnosed with depression is because you see yourself in such a negative light which can make the thought of your future and all the small steps you will have to take seem like such a burden.
Everyone is different. I think that society judges and labels people so easily without any understanding of what they go through, and even more, they offer no help. In actual fact, your life is harder for you than it is for them. I think what you are doing is judging yourself in the same way the ignorant people judge you and you should not do that. Give yourself some credit.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. You have to accept your faults and positive assets before you can move on and do something you enjoy.
want to start off by saying im not therapist and have no training and you may want to see one. But what i belive is that yes you may have a lot of things wrong with you, but evryone has things wrong with them. while it may seem hopless, the fact that you realize that things are wrong means you have the will to change. Those who cannot or refuse to see the problem can never improve. You say you have no social skills, and ok your not alone. the first thing you must admit is that you can change. if you belive you are still a boy then your whole life is ahead. Work on simply taking a walk arou nd your neahborhood first. ust something simple to get you out of the house. Write a list of what you want to change in your life. Do not mention apperances. try smiling and saying high to people you meet. Just take these small steps, then worry on the larger issues. Get a nice job too. Something easy just get you out and about
You've been stuck in a poor state of affairs for a long time. What has happened is a combination of things symptomatic of your disorder as well as your reluctance to do anything differently. This results in your getting nowhere that improves your situation.
You've got to get help with this.
You need to get yourself to a therapist who regularly works with your anomaly.
You need to change your approach towards your life or it will remain the mess it already is.
The main thing is that you're not happy yet you believe there's a chance you could become happy.
Changes in ourselves—behaviors that bring us to respect ourselves and like what we respect—these come from our ability to self-manage.
I'm asking you to begin this now—to self manage. To start, you need to get to a person trained to teach you how to self manage. You will dramatically improve your chances to enjoy a happy and productive life only when you reach out and ask for help. The help you need is going to be in the form of lessons presented by a therapist who will get to know you and how your mind works. You will share your dreams and wishes and also your fears. When you're ready to face the truth about hating yourself, you will make the move towards the independence you crave.
I hope you do this soon. I see no reason for you to continue being unhappy. Many, many others suffered as you do. They did something about it.
Will you?
Len
Seems an unfair analysis, I mean at least you're not in Nigeria living in a hut earning 60p a day stitching the insoles of shoes. I'm a loner of sorts, but with all my books, the internet, the tv, my dreams and my God I don't feel lonely. Perhaps considering that there might well be a loving creator would help lift your anxieties. There is the strength deep down within you to carry on through whatever adversity lies ahead, never surrender.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Matthew 10:28
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Psalm 27:3,5,13-14
Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, in this I will be confident. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!
1. Make yourself healthy. This is the most important thing for you right now. Do not worry about what other people think about you or what you look like now. You will improve your appearance.
Try to moderate amounts of healthy foods and drink lots of water, while cutting back on empty calories (like candy bars and soft drinks). Every day, no matter what, spend about an hour out in the sun, even if it is just by a window or in your front porch. This is absolutely vital.
Try to get 8 hours of sleep each night, even if it means going to sleep at 3:00AM and waking up at 11:00AM. If this is the case, progressively go to bed 15 minutes earlier each night until it feels natural for you to go to bed at 10:00 and wake up at 6:00AM. This is considered to be the most healthy sleep schedule and will be ideal when you are searching for employment.
2. After you've started acting out to improve your health, you should start to feel a bit better. Now is the time to make yourself more social. It may not be possible to talk yourself through the lack of natural social skills that Asperger Social Disorder presents, but social anxiety is getting you nowhere. Go out and find people to talk to in a social setting, such as the gym. It will be difficult at first, and you will feel awkward, but eventually YOU WILL find a person who is a good match for you. Once you have one good friend, everything becomes a lot easier.
I have friends with Asperger Syndrome and I know that many people who have it think that no normal person would ever want to be their friend for reasons other than pity. That is absolutely not true. There may be some people like this, just as there are people who prejudice against mental health patients, but this in no way can be attributed to every normal person.
Contrary to what others are probably going to say, don't use the internet to make friends unless you're going to hang out with them in real life. It just makes you dependent on the computer and more depressed. Instead, try searching on websites related to your interests (or Aspergers) for people in your area, and invite them to hang out for a bit in a public place. There are a lot of sicko freaks on the internet, so make sure that it is a public place at least on the first meeting.
3. Stop using the computer so much. Find other hobbies to occupy your time until you are barely using it at all. You will start to feel better if you are doing a variety of different things and enjoying the great outdoors.
4. Get a job. If you need references, try asking one of your new friends or neighbors to help you out in this area. You'll start making more money to help with what you need.
5. Once you have all of this taken care of, try to find something you are really interested in, and excel at it. Don't worry if it won't make you any money as you start out. If you can, go to college or university and get a degree in it, which will hopefully lead to a lifelong career of happiness doing what you love. Services are available for financial assistance and counseling if you need it.
6. When your confidence is built up enough, try to find a date. It does not matter at all if you are bisexual – a good majority of people don't care one bit about who anyone chooses to date as long as they're nice people. It's just the religion-obsessed bigots and homophobes that make their points heard so greatly that they seem like a dominating group. Again, counseling can help with accepting a sexuality and building on that.
Search for women (or men) with similar interests as you, and try to make the first move if you can. I think you'd be surprised to know how many single people there actually are out there, who are in some way insecure and don't feel that anyone would ever want to date them. Some will be flattered and accept, and some will push you away. It's all part of life.
Good luck!
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