Be honest, point out any errors, and please keep in mind that this is just a writing exercise I'm doing. Tell me if you would want to read on, and if so, why and if not, why not?
Her laugh broke the silence.
Heads raised and solumn eyes glared at the three teenage girls gathered together in the corner of the room.
Lizzy Dorison didn't seem to take notice in the annoyed onlookers as her obnoxious cackle continued. She flicked a lock of blond hair out of blue eyes as she finally became quiet, though her wide, pearl white smile remained stuck on her modelesque face. She would have been easy to point out in the room full of people even if it had not have been for her arresting merriment. Her tight, low-cut shirt combined with a miniskirt and high heels made Lizzy's appearance very out of place among the sea of black, conservative clothing.
Emily Carlington, one of her two companions, nervously chuckled while her wide, nervous eyes went from Lizzy's face to the rather repulsed looks of the other people. Her chubby, carefully manicured hands clasped together, figeting with themselves. She, too, seemed out of place. Though not nearly as provocatively dressed as Lizzy, her clothes wore tightly on her chubby frame. The purple t-shirt she had on was stretched over her belly, seeming as though it was about to burst with each snort of laughter.
Amelia Taylor showed no sign of laughter or even a smile. Her face wore a grimace on it as she too noticed the other people in the room and their aggrivated expressions. Of the three girls, she was the only one who had a chance of being able to mingle and blend in with the other's in the crowd besides Lizzy and Emily. Her dark, conservative outfit matched about the same feeling that seemed drifted thoughout the large room. Amelia's eyes drifted about, from the chairs lined along one wall, to the many pairs of teary, sad eyes, several of which belonged to people her own age. Her eyes eventually settled on the room's centerpeice: An opened white casket containing the lifeless body of Allison McCail.
She appeared as though she was peacefully sleeping. There were no visible signs of the tragic car accident that ended Allison's short, seventeen years of life. Had it not been for the room of mourners and her marble place of rest, one looking at Allison would believe that she would awaken the next morning and attend school like her classmates that sourounded her. But they all knew the truth: She would never awaken. Her eyes would never again open. Allison McCail was no longer here.
After Lizzy allowed a few quiet moments among the group, as though waiting for the aggrivated stares to turn their attention back to the solumn affair, she wispered to her two comrads "I wonder how long she's had that dress?"
Lizzy snorted softly as she looked over at the girl nearest to the casket, who seemed unconcerned with her current appearence and more concentrated on her friend who now lay lifelessly before her.
"Erica Brealy must have inherited that from her great-grandmother or something."
Emily giggled quietly and also stared at Erica's grey, old-fashioned dress, careful not to draw attention from other people in the room again.
Suggestion:
Very good.
"aggrivated expressions" "aggrivated stares" Perhaps you could swap one of these out.
Maybe tighten up the description of Lizzies smile. It seems to go on a bit to much.
A few other gramatical errors that you will pick up on a re write. Other than that it is good. Post it up when it is done.
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